I recently wrote out the story of the health struggles we went through with Haddon during his first year. My big 3 year old is now is the 60th percentile for both height and weight, which feels like a big accomplishment for both of us that needs to be recorded!! I'm so thankful for my little boy and everything he teaches me! He certainly has challenged me, but all of the struggles have been so good for me heart and perspective on life and parenting, so I wanted to share.
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When Haddon was born he was perfect, even the doctors
agreed. It was at his two-week well
check that his pediatrician heard a heart murmur and sent us to see a pediatric
cardiologist. My sweet little baby had a
ventricular septal defect (VSD) or a hole in his heart. My heart dropped upon hearing this and true
to form I was full of worries, but we were sent home with a list of symptoms to
look for and the reassurance that he would likely be just fine. He was growing well, eating well and a
content little boy, but many questions lingered in my mind. Did I do something to cause this? Was it my fault? The doctors said this just happens sometimes. No reason given. No cause.
When he was around six months old his weight gain started
dropping off. He was happy and content,
but also VERY skinny. He didn’t sit up until a few months later than my
first-born and wasn’t making any attempts at crawling, but I knew that all kids
develop differently. He was a great
eater. I was amazed that he never refused a single food I gave him, but every
time I gave him a bath and saw how skinny he was there was a pit in my
stomach. I listened to others coo over
their chubby babies and my worries and questions constantly circled around in
my mind. When he was a year old, I felt
that something wasn’t right and talked to his doctor about it, which was
followed by countless tests and doctor’s visits. It felt like all I did that winter was take
Haddon to the pediatrician, neurologist, physical therapist, hospital for testing, etc, etc. In the end,
we were told that he had hypotonia or muscle weakness, but again no cause. My mind again immediately went to all the
questions. Was this my fault? Did I do this to sweet baby boy? Did I drink too much coffee during pregnancy?
Is it because I am getting older? Should
I have stopped breastfeeding? What did I
do wrong? I questioned myself on everything.
After he turned 1, a physical therapist with the AEA started
coming to our house for weekly therapy.
She worked with him and gave me things to do with him to improve his
strength and get him moving. I also met with a dietician who told me I was
doing everything right. He started
walking at about 20 months and is now a fast and fun-loving almost 3-year-old
boy.
I’m so thankful for Haddon’s doctors and physical
therapist. I’m so thankful that he is
walking and running and climbing now, but all of this was a GOOD thing, a
really good thing. It made me realize
that I absolutely do not care if my children meet their developmental
milestones on time. I do not care if
they walk, talk, read or do any of those things when they are supposed to. That sounds harsh and I’m so thankful we have
those guidelines, but I realized that all of my focus on developmental
milestones and what my friend’s babies were doing was really only me playing
the mommy comparison game. I thought I
wanted my son to be physically strong, but I don’t. I want him to be brave. Brave enough to do the right thing when it’s
hard. I don’t even want him to be the
most intelligent. I want him to be the most compassionate. I want him to the most loving and the most wise. Because our world doesn’t need more smart men
or strong men. We need more men of
character and that is my goal for my son and I lost sight of that.
